Is Porn Use Abuse?
Hello, Friends! I live near my state's only professional ballet company and I spent Saturday evening enjoying the latest show. Two weeks ago, I was invited into the studio to watch a rehearsal for that show with a few other lucky patrons. At that time, the dancers had only undergone 4 days of rehearsal. That up-close, behind-the-scenes look into the world of professional dance was a memorable experience for me. I was struck by the vulnerability of it all; no makeup, no costumes, and imperfect moves. Even though I was close enough to see mistakes, holes in practice tights, and fly-away hairs, it was still beautiful in a way. Practice is messy and it is a necessary process. Professional dancers are fully invested in training because they have a desire to show up well on the day of the performance, for themselves and for others. It takes a lot of work to train for the life they want. Where we invest our time and energy, results are eventually seen. Keep training and investing in your health and well-being!
Today’s Question: My husband is not abusive, however, he has struggled with pornography addiction throughout our 25-year marriage and is detached emotionally from me and from our children. He has ADHD and I suspect anxiety and depression, although he won’t or can’t see that. He makes promises to do things to change and cannot follow through. He doesn’t follow through on any of the advice we have received in counseling -we have been in counseling for over 3 years both together and individually. We have done marriage classes/workshops where the advice given has been “forgotten”. We have the same conversations over and over with never-ending excuses and explanations as to why he wasn’t able to follow through. Following through with spending time with me, talking about our counseling appointments, regularly sharing responsibility within our home with our five children, even giving me gifts like a written note last Christmas to take me on 4-weekend trips over the year that never happened (I never thought they would happen). It’s like he forgets every conversation and commitment and always has a reason for it. He is in counseling, and men’s Bible studies at church, he has met with friends and pastors and yet at home, there is zero change or effort put in. It looks to everyone else that he is doing his part but literally nothing as far as effort or change at home. There are so many examples of this I could include here but even now he barely speaks to me anymore unless I initiate any conversations about anything of substance. He absolutely will not initiate a hard conversation or a conversation surrounding anything about our relationship or anything other than logistics or weather. Basically, conversations are now relegated to what complete strangers could discuss. The relationship has gone downhill drastically as I have initiated every attempt to fix this. I wonder if he even has the ability to connect emotionally. I feel super stuck and alone as he maintains his image by doing all the things outwardly but not in reality in our home. He is not mean or violent just completely like a brick wall in regards to working on our marriage. He also refuses to tell his family about his pornography addiction or our marriage problems so I feel like I am living a lie all the time pretending we have a good marriage. Help!
Susan’s Response: I am glad you reached out for help. I appreciate your willingness to share your struggle because I believe that there are many more with similar struggles within this community. Your first sentence raises some questions in my mind. Is it possible for a husband to have a porn addiction for 25 years and not be abusive? Doesn’t being emotionally detached from a wife and children cause perpetual harm to them?
Many women are taught that they must cover over the sins of their husbands and be loyal at all costs. When you love someone, it can be easy to compassionately understand the reason behind destructive behaviors and begin to excuse away the results of those behaviors. The costs of persistent sin are high. ADHD, anxiety, and depression are reasons someone may desire to distract and numb out with pornography, but they are not relevant excuses for causing harm. Furthermore, coping mechanisms that prevent growth and healing are not productive long term for anyone involved. Ephesians 5:11 instructs, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.”
Exposing sin doesn’t mean posting it on social media or announcing it in the family group text. It means not enabling it to continue and graciously warning the person stuck in sin of the harm being caused. Love has the courage to stand up and say, “I love us too much to allow this harm to continue.”
The effects of pornography on individuals and relationships are great. Dr. Andrew Bauman talks about the development of a pornographic style of relating through continued use. It results in a selfish mindset centered on control. It leads to the objectification of human beings. Rather than a gradual growth of love, it is satisfied with an empty relationship at a rapid pace. Porn users become consumers of others. They become isolated by the one-sidedness of pornography and learn to invest time in fantasy rather than reality. This is not God’s plan for relationships or humanity.
Bible study, counseling, and meetings with pastors and friends are some steps to take to help create change. They, in themselves, are not evidence of real change. Going through the motions does not cause or equal heart repentance. Your husband may have interest in changing, but until he becomes fully invested, genuine change will not occur.
You have indicated, your husband doesn’t follow through with his promises and he won't initiate a conversation about anything deep. Perhaps his promises are made only to placate you and dissolve the discomfort of the moment. One person in a marriage can not single-handedly build a unified, God-honoring partnership. As long as you are the only one putting in effort in a given direction, you will remain super stuck and alone trying to fix your marriage. It may be helpful to ask him, “ What do you want our marriage to look like? What do you think is our biggest issue to resolve in order to get there?” Conceivably, this may give you information that will cause you to put your efforts in a different direction.
What keeps you pretending you have a good marriage? You can not solve your husband's problem; you can not make your husband follow through on his promises or invest in growth or healing. However, you can help yourself with your problem. You disclosed you feel like you are living a lie. That sounds like a significant problem. So how could you resolve your problem? What could it look like to stop pretending and living a lie? What difference would that make for you?
The truth is, when someone you love is stuck in a pattern of sin that is negatively affecting you, you are not obligated to pretend or live a lie. In what ways could you take agency over your own well-being? What choices will you make in order to maintain your own values and integrity?
Be well!
Beloved reader, what are your thoughts; is pornography use abuse in a significant relationship? How have you responded to a pattern of pornography use in your marriage?
