How Do I Heal from the Guilt and Shame of My Verbal Abuse?
Hello, LV&Co friends! Susan here to contribute for the team; I am delighted to address this week's blog question. As the thunder rolls on this midwestern summer day, I am reminded of what it took to create this type of weather. From my high school days, I recall there are three ingredients necessary to create a thunderstorm. Moisture, unstable air, and air rising; these three things lead to the tumult of a thunderstorm. A meteorologist who sees these brewing can make a clear prediction of a thunderstorm. When talking about abuse, I can identify three ingredients that lead to a clear prediction as well. A mindset of entitlement or control, a pattern of harmful behavior, and lack of responsibility; these three things lead to the tumult of abuse. As you consider what constitutes abuse in your relationships, perhaps that will help you gain clarity.
Today’s Question: How do I heal from the guilt and shame I feel for my reactions to my husband's abuse? I endured his infidelity, lies, stonewalling, gaslighting, etc. My reactions were outrageous and verbally abusive. I feel like I became just as bad as him in our interactions.
Susan’s Response: I appreciate your vulnerability in asking this question and your willingness to look at your own behavior. It may help you to process your feelings better once you have gained a better understanding of what causes victims to react in ways that may seem outrageous and verbally abusive on the surface. I hope you can show yourself some compassion as the victim of abuse and get the support you need to heal. For you and the other readers, it is important to recognize the difference between reactive self-protection and abuse.
Months, years, or decades of cumulative trauma from coercive control and abuse can lead to immense frustration and a reaction of self-defense from the victim. No matter if the victim has experienced fear from physical, emotional, or sexual mistreatment, their body goes on high alert to detect danger and stay safe. Over time the victim becomes so desperate to stop the abuse that continues to happen to them, they react with some of the same harsh behaviors themself. These behaviors, atypical of their normal ways of interacting, often surprise the victim more than the abuser.
When a victim of abuse does not feel they can get away, the body begins to go into a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. A victim may believe they can not get away from the abuse for many reasons. Here are a few reasons I hear regularly. Messages from those who claim to be the loving church put the sanctity of marriage above individual sanity and safety thereby creating feelings of being trapped in abuse. Additionally, married women in abusive relationships are often the ones caring for the home and the children and therefore have not put efforts into building a career or earning a livable wage. This can lead them to believe they can not support themselves and their children if they leave. Also, the abuser may have made horrible threats about what will happen if the victim leaves the relationship. This feeling of being unable to stay well yet unable to leave creates trauma, sending the body into survival mode. When other methods don't work, the body will eventually fight for survival. Unfortunately, this survival reaction may look like mutual abuse to the untrained eye.
The behaviors you mentioned in your question, infidelity, lying, stonewalling, and gaslighting are obviously not conducive to a healthy relationship. But also, those behaviors you described become patterns of abuse as they continue. Therefore your “outrageous reactions” to those patterns don't look so outrageous when you understand your desperate desire to end the abuse and protect yourself from further harm. While your actions may not have been a healthy response, your feelings were appropriate and provided good information to alert you to the need for change. In contrast, a pattern of abusive behavior stems from an entitlement mindset and faulty beliefs that lead the abuser to use manipulative and defensive tactics to maintain power and control over another person. There is rarely true remorse for these behaviors unless the heart attitude and belief systems shift. Until that time, the goal is usually to evade responsibility and put the work of repair on the other person. Manipulating the victim to feel weak and unstable, to the point that they become reactive, is a tactic in order to shift responsibility and confuse reality. The abuser then uses the reactivity to blame shift, reverse the roles, and take a victim stance. It is seen as a form of gaslighting because they distort reality in order to make the victim take accountability. As you already know, healthy people take accountability for their actions.
If you are in a relationship that is causing you to feel confused, hopeless, ashamed and as though you are losing your sense of self, pay attention to what your body is telling you. If you have tried all you know to do and yet the relationship has gotten worse, there may be more going on under the surface than you have realized. There are steps you can take for your health and well-being. Have compassion but also learn how to manage your reactivity; the goal is to choose protective responses to his abusive ways that lead to feelings of integrity instead of guilt and shame.
It is natural to feel angry about the ways you have been treated. The Bible instructs, in your anger do not sin (Proverbs 20:22). Give your anger to God and allow Him to guide your responses. When we regulate our spirit to God’s and find safety in Him, we are better able to access the fruits of the spirit, which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). This in no way leads you to be a doormat to abuse. Your strong emotions are informing you to pay attention and you may need to respond with firm boundaries and a strong, “NO more!”. Be aware that when accessing the Spirit, you may be prompted to have a bold response.
Proverbs 28:1 states, “The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion.” In other words, the wicked attempt to outrun accountability. Those who hold assurance in God have no need to fear predators or hostile enemies; in lacking fear, they can respond with boldness.
Here are some things you can do to help yourself if you begin to recognize you are reacting to abuse in a way that is harmful to you and your integrity. Know your value and worth; your worth comes from your creator, not from your mate or anyone else in your life. Talk to someone you trust; you will need a supportive person in your life who understands what you are experiencing. Be aware of what is happening and get educated on all of the signs of abuse, some are difficult to detect. Detach from the chaos by observing it rather than absorbing it; get clear on what is your responsibility and what is someone else’s to own. Lastly, find professional help; your safety and sanity is of the utmost importance. You will need help creating a safety plan and learning how to regulate your body’s reaction to distress. Please know, God has a plan for your life that is beyond suffering for someone else's selfish gain.
For all humans, shame is the right response when our desire for earthly perfection falls short and our sinfulness is held parallel to a pure and Holy God. However, for believers, Christ came to absolve you from shame and align you with Himself in holiness. In this world, you will not be perfect. Yet, I pray that you will allow God to meet you where you are with love and compassion and to grow you more into the likeness of His Spirit.
Be well!
Beloved Reader when you have been reactive due to extreme distress, how have you managed the difficult feelings that have come from being out of alignment with your own integrity?
