Guard Your Heart By Detaching From Destructive People
Hello, my Friends! It is a busy time as the school year comes to a close. I live near an elementary school where the children just experienced their last day. From my patio, I could hear hooping and hollering, the sounds of kazoos, and the screams of delight. There is a freedom to summer that children seem to long for. The freedom to ‘just be’ is a feeling I delight in as well. I long for you all to live in that freedom to just be yourselves and who God created you to be. I pray that you feel His care so that your soul can rest in Him.
Today's questions come from comments on a May post. The concept of detachment can be tricky and confusing. So let’s take a deeper dive into what it really means to guard your heart by detaching from a destructive person in your life.
Today’s Questions: I understand that stonewalling is detrimental to a relationship – but honestly, I found it necessary. When my husband would criticize me, or yell at me the only way I could keep myself from responding in kind was to “stonewall” or emotionally detach from what was happening. I thought I was controlling my anger so that it wouldn’t be destructive to the relationship. What’s the alternative?
How do you “guard your heart?” What does that look like practically? I feel like the only way I know how to do that with my husband is to distance myself from him as much as possible but then that seems like the silent treatment. What does a healthy version of “guarding your heart” look like?
Susan’s Response: I appreciate your willingness to ask further questions about emotional detachment and guarding your heart. Often in my work with women who are in destructive relationships, I hear them describe self-protection as building a wall around the heart and avoiding interaction with the destructive person. While going ‘no contact’ may be a necessary form of finding safety, that is not always the case. When you have chosen for some form of relationship to continue, how can you manage healthy detachment and guard your heart biblically?
Proverbs 4:20-27 (The Message) Dear friend, listen well to my words; tune your ears to my voice. Keep my message in plain view at all times. Concentrate! Learn it by heart! Those who discover these words, really live; body and soul, they are bursting with health. Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step and the road will stretch out smoothly before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.
These verses give instruction on how to guard your heart. In other words, destructive people bring distractions and chaos into life. As a believer, you must keep your eyes fixed forward on Jesus Christ. You will be tempted to become deformed in your character if you allow the destruction to take control of your heart, which includes your mind, emotions, and will. You must remain in Christ in order to maintain your CORE strength. When you notice evil on life’s path, don’t engage with it; keep walking past it. In doing these things, you will keep your heart safe.
What does this look like practically? Here are some things that you can practice in each moment with the Holy Spirit's help. Manage your emotions by paying attention to them, get curious about why they are happening, and regulate their intensity so that you can think clearly. Keep your mind clear of fixed negative thoughts, faulty or limiting beliefs, and other people’s opinions. Be intentional about life and honoring your values. Know your boundaries and hold yourself accountable to maintain them. Know God and His purpose for your life so that you can align your will to His will.
Guarding your heart can be accomplished by following Paul’s teaching in 1 Thessalonians 5:17; “Pray Continually”. By pursuing intimate communication with God, you can gain protection, direction, and peace in each moment, even as you love someone who may feel like your enemy. (Matthew 5:44)
When talking about healthy detachment, I am not referring to building up a stone wall to keep someone out of your life or hiding behind a stone wall because your emotions are too intense. In order to be healthy, it is important to regulate emotions so that you are not controlled by your feelings. It is equally important to use assertiveness to address issues in relationships, which may either be carried out in a verbal conversation or a quiet but active response.
Here are some ways you can begin to detach in a productive manner. Let go of your desire to set the record straight. Stop your pursuit of trying to get a destructive person to see their need for change. Let go of your need to be understood by a destructive person. Detach from other’s opinions of you. Release any emotions that you may be holding on to that are harming you. Disengage from other’s thoughts that are in your head. Let go of beliefs that don’t belong to you. Quit your need for others to be ok in order for you to be ok. Break away from your need for other people’s approval. Cease your efforts to convince, convict, or correct someone else who has not invited you to do so. Step out of destructive dynamics and conversations. Detach from any fixed outcomes you may be holding on to.
Have you been able to fully trust other human beings to make you feel ok? Likely not; this is a disappointing and futile pursuit. Where do you put your trust? Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.”
God established the church (the body of Christ) in order to foster interdependence. We are called to love and help one another. However, we are not called to be responsible for others in a codependent relationship. And while we are called to be responsible for ourselves, we are not called to live in isolation, independent from others. But how could you create interdependence with someone who is destructive and does not participate in a mutual relationship? The short answer is, you can't.
As long as you continue to try to prompt or convince another person to be mutually dependable in the areas of harmony, balance, and self-improvement, you will be disappointed. Therefore, it is crucial to wisely discern which people in your life are willing and able to offer a relationship built on mutual reliance. This allows you to detach from expectations that your destructive other will be who you want them to be or even who God calls them to be.
Guarding your heart means protecting it, as much as you are able, from anything that will harm you or lead you astray. When your heart is safe and protected, your soul can find rest in God’s loving kindness. This will allow you to live in the freedom of who God has purposed you to be.
Be well!
Beloved readers, how do you use biblical principles to guard your heart and detach from destructive people in your life?
