Does Time Heal All Wounds?
Hello, friends! March is a time for renewal and rebirth. At the end of the month, Christians across the world will be celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It is a wonderful season to think about the life, mission, and journey of our Savior. Though it was foretold even before His birth, Isaiah 53:5 comes to mind; “But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds, we are healed.” He was born of our griefs, carries our sorrows, and still heals our broken hearts. I long for a time when the wounds of the world, individuals, and relationships will be fully healed. Even today, Jesus offers us the calming salve of the Holy Spirit to bring comfort and regeneration. I wish you all a Happy Easter!
Today’s Question: I have been married for 12 years to a man I thought loved the Lord. He doesn’t seem to be growing in the fruits of the spirit. Early in our marriage, I discovered he had had several affairs and was watching a lot of porn. By the time I learned of these other women, he said he had ended the relationships. I was, and still am, heartbroken. We went to counseling through our church and I was encouraged to forgive him. I was pregnant at the time and didn’t know what else to do. My pastor's wife helped me see that I was not really meeting his needs in the bedroom. Sex was really painful for me in the beginning. After I delivered our first child, it seemed to get a little better. But I still find that I get really insecure and anxious during sex because he can be critical. I don’t think my husband is having an affair now, but I can’t seem to stop imagining what those women were like and comparing myself to others. He says that I need to move on because it has been over ten years since he has been with anyone else. I remember our counselor at church told me that it would not hurt so much at some point and to be patient with myself. He said, In time, God heals all wounds. I don’t remember the scripture he quoted. I have heard that before and my husband keeps telling me time should have healed me by now. I just wonder how long it will take. I am afraid that I am ruining my marriage because I can’t move on. What can I do to get past this sooner?
Susan’s Response: My heart goes out to you! I am so sorry for the damage that has been done to you by your husband, your church counselor, and the pastor’s wife. Your husband’s infidelity was not your responsibility or your fault. I want you to know that his decision to watch porn and have affairs was about his selfishness and lack of mature character, not your inability to meet his needs. From what you shared, I am unclear if the counselor helped him address his issues. It sounds like others were looking to you to manage his problems, while undoubtedly betraying yourself in the process.
Let’s press into the saying, Time heals all wounds. Did God declare that and is it true?
Psalm 147:3 describes God as one who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. In faith, we can believe that God cares about our emotional and spiritual wounds. 1 Peter 2:24 assures us that His death is the remedy to heal the sin in the world. Although it has affected you greatly, you don't have to carry the weight of your husband's sin. Jesus has already done that work.
There are plenty of families who live by the principle that it is the passage of time that heals relational pain. Instead of having open conversations and repairing ruptures in relationships, people are encouraged to stay silent and pretend feelings don’t exist. This causes children to develop into adults who don't take responsibility for their behavior. It causes adults to forgo true intimacy and wholeness in Christ. Unfortunately, relationships and our bodies don’t respond well to ignoring wounds. Bodies remember pain and cry out for a remedy regardless of time. Wounds are healed by tending to them.
We often invite others to tend to the wounds they created, but what if the person who hurt us is dismissive, blaming, or punishing when we try to get them to make a repair? Sometimes we get more and more desperate for them to get it and take the needed responsibility. Other times, we end up taking the blame upon ourselves and suffering in shame.
That fact that you say, “he doesn't seem to be growing in the fruits of the Spirit” and “he can be critical” with regard to sex tells me that there are other concerns in the relationship. Even though he may not be currently participating in adulterous acts, true intimacy and maturity are still lacking in the relationship. Minimal behavior change is not enough in order to make a full relationship repair. Taking full responsibility, without blame, is needed. Removing the heart attitude of entitlement must also take place in order to build safety and foster deep intimacy.
You may have heard it referenced from the work of J.R.R Tolkien that everything sad will come untrue. There will come a time when all things will be made new and right with God. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.” For His children, the good in this context does not refer to perfect peace and comfort here on earth but the ultimate conformity to Christ and eternal time in his presence.
The truth is, the Bible doesn’t encourage us to look to time to save us from our suffering but to look to Jesus Christ who suffered, died, and rose again so that we might have eternal salvation. Therefore, the best way to help yourself when you are suffering is not to passively wait for time to heal but to actively seek love, compassion, and direction from our only Savior. Jesus can shepherd you toward protection and intimacy with Him, even if your husband is unwilling to do his part.
Perhaps your husband still needs to do the deep work of repairing the damage he caused in the relationship. Without that, I don’t believe you can or should just move on in the relationship as though the damage wasn’t still present. Ignoring or quieting a pain that is meant to warn you is not wise. Please tend to your wounds; get support from someone who can help you move through the pain and decide how to protect yourself from further destruction.
Be well!
Beloved reader, how do you tend to your wounds when a relationship repair is not possible due to someone else’s decision?
